Published On: Fri, Mar 15th, 2019

Are you one of these five Toronto fitness types?

Barry’s Bootcamp

Species: Altum summa Bootcampus falcon

  (Leeandra Cianci)

Characteristics: Highly competitive, works in finance/marketing/law, uses phrases like “circle back” and “anchor in”

Plumage: A Barry’s racerback tank a fresh layer of sweat, a sleek black satchel so they can go from workout to work to after-work client drinks

Habitat: 10 minutes early for class and answering work emails under Barry’s signature red lights

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Prey: Lazy people

Diet: Protein shakes from Barry’s smoothie bar

Birdsong: “Beyoncé has as many hours in the day as you do.”

Spin

Species: Dipsandpumpsarelife swan

The spin sawn spins a minimum of five days a week at SoulCycle, Spinco, Ride, SixCycle or Spokehaüs while taking a faux candid post-spin pic for the ‘gram in front of the crisp white lockers.
The spin sawn spins a minimum of five days a week at SoulCycle, Spinco, Ride, SixCycle or Spokehaüs while taking a faux candid post-spin pic for the ‘gram in front of the crisp white lockers.  (Leeandra Cianci)

Characteristics: Has at least 2,500 followers on Instagram, may or may not be an actual influencer

Plumage: Lululemon leggings and a matching sports bra, plus a logo-emblazoned cropped hoodie or baseball cap from their spin studio of choice

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Habitat: Spinning a minimum of five days a week at SoulCycle, Spinco, Ride, SixCycle or Spokehaüs but never, never all 5, taking a faux candid post-spin pic for the ‘gram in front of the crisp white lockers, whipping their towel midride

Prey: People who talk loudly during class, anyone who doesn’t cheers their neighbour before the cool-down

Diet: Coffee with collagen peptides and avo toast

Birdsong: “OMG I can’t wait for my birthday ride.”

Hot yoga

Species: Bikramus Sweatius Namasteus warbler

The hot yoga warbler will pop in for a quick lunchtime flow to get centred.
The hot yoga warbler will pop in for a quick lunchtime flow to get centred.  (Leeandra Cianci)

Characteristics: Truly shocked to learn a person doesn’t compost, hasn’t used a straw since 2002, considers essential oils essential

Plumage: A brightly coloured pair of the most microscopic shorts one can legally wear in public, at least one wooden beaded accessory, Birkenstocks or Blundstones depending on the weather, a New Yorker tote bag

Habitat: Popping in for a quick lunchtime flow to get “centred,” escaping Toronto’s harsh winter for a yoga retreat in South America

Prey: People who leave during Savasana

Diet: Maté tea, tempeh, and a mélange of seeds and nuts

Birdsong: “Have you tried the 90-minute Bikram class? It’s transformative.”

Pilates

Species: Ilovemyreformer flamingo

The Pilates flamingo enjoys expensive-looking workouts that's followed by a professional blowout.
The Pilates flamingo enjoys expensive-looking workouts that's followed by a professional blowout.  (Leeandra Cianci)

Characteristics: A 12-pack of abs, impossibly long legs, the inability to sweat, has just discovered crystals

Plumage: A pristine, seamless, expensive-looking workout set in a neutral shade of mushroom, a designer tote, a professional blowout

Habitat: Private Pilates studios, standing Bi-Weekly manicure appointment (always Essie Ballet Slippers)

Prey: Anyone who says Pilates is “basically stretching”

Diet: Celery juice

Birdsong: “Have you tried Lagree?”

Group circuit training

Species: Weareinthistogether goose

The group circuit goose hits up circuits at Myo Detox Performance or F45 with at least three besties. The goose's motto is always the more the better.
The group circuit goose hits up circuits at Myo Detox Performance or F45 with at least three besties. The goose's motto is always the more the better.  (Leeandra Cianci)

Characteristics: Travels in a pack, must document group workout session with mirror selfie or it didn’t happen

Plumage: Nike all-black everything with pops of neon, iPhone X in hand

Habitat: Hitting up circuits at Myo Detox Performance, F45 or BOLO with at least three besties

Prey: Anyone who prefers to work out solo

Diet: Anything made with activated charcoal

Birdsong: “The fam that trains together stays together.”

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Are you one of these five Toronto fitness types?